Change of Heart
by Andra Marie Mueller
Summary: Kellin and Chakotay encounter an unexpected obstacle on their road to happiness. (It is J/C - I promise)


"Change Of Heart"  
  
by Andra Marie Mueller  
  
In her Ready Room, Kathryn Janeway was in the midst of reviewing the latest personnel reports provided by Chakotay when she came across the review of their newest crewmember, Kellin. An alien bounty hunter of sorts, Kellin had joined Voyager's crew six weeks ago after Janeway had granted her asylum from her own people, the Remora. Kellin had been on Voyager a month prior to that in search of an escapee from her home world, and during that time she and Chakotay had fallen in love. Yet following Kellin's return to her people, all memory of her existence vanished from the crew's memories, an effect caused by a pheromone produced in Kellin's physiology that caused any species she encountered to forget her less than twenty-four hours after they parted. But weary of the Remorans' xenophobia, Kellin had returned to Voyager in search of asylum, and after successfully convincing Janeway of the truth of her prior visit, the captain had allowed Kellin to remain on board.  
  
Aside from resuming her relationship with Chakotay, Kellin had joined the security squad, and her past experience had quickly made her a valued member of the crew. But despite the smooth transition Kellin had made into her new life, there was something intangible about her presence that bothered Janeway, and it surfaced again as she eyed the data PADD in her hand.  
  
By all accounts, Kellin has been a greatly beneficial addition to this crew, the captain mused silently. So what is it about her that bothers me so much?  
  
A chime at the door interrupted Janeway's reflections, and she tossed the data PADD on her desk as she bid her visitor enter. The doors parted to admit Chakotay, and he flashed her a warm smile as he walked over to stand in front of her desk. "Knee-deep in evaluations, I see," he said.  
  
"I've actually just started reading them," Janeway returned. "I'm surprised to see you, though. Your shift ended almost an hour ago. Shouldn't you be with Kellin?"  
  
"Kellin's in the Mess Hall with Neelix sampling his latest creation," Chakotay told her. "I have no idea what's in it, but it's kind of a greenish-purple stew. The smell alone made me nauseous, but Kellin seems to like it."  
  
"Her people must have cast-iron stomachs," Janeway responded dryly, then gestured at the data PADD on top of her desk. "I glanced at your performance review for her. Very impressive."  
  
"It's an honest evaluation, Captain," Chakotay replied with a slight defensive edge. "I would never allow my personal feelings for her to interfere with our professional relationship."  
  
"I wasn't implying that you had, Commander," Janeway returned evenly, surprised by his tone. "I have every confidence in your objectivity. I was simply making an observation."  
  
"Of course. I'm sorry."  
  
"Was there something you needed?" Janeway prompted. "I'm assuming you didn't come here just to forewarn me about Neelix's dinner menu."  
  
"Actually, I was hoping to persuade you to join me for dinner," Chakotay revealed. "Kellin has the late shift tonight, so I'm on my own."  
  
I've never been fond of being second best. The thought flickered through Janeway's mind but remained unspoken, and she silently chided herself for her irrational response. Where did that come from? Shaking off her wayward thoughts, Janeway managed to flash her XO a small smile. "Thank you for the invitation, Chakotay, but I really should finish reading these evaluations."  
  
"Certainly. If you change your mind, I'll be in Holodeck Two."  
  
Bidding the captain farewell, Chakotay left the Ready Room, and once he was gone Janeway spoke aloud to herself.  
  
"That was subtle, Kathryn. Next time why don't you just spit in his face?"  
  
Releasing a sigh, Janeway got to her feet and crossed over to stand by the window, watching the passing stars as she pondered the provocation behind her reaction.  
  
It was a simple dinner invitation, yet I acted as if he propositioned me, she thought to herself. Why am I all of a sudden mad at him?  
  
**************************************************  
  
Inside holodeck two, B'Elanna and Tom had just settled themselves at a corner table in Sandrine's when Chakotay wandered inside and took a seat at the bar. The expression on his face made it clear something was troubling him, and Tom shot B'Elanna an inquiring glance. "What's the matter with him?" he asked.  
  
"I have no idea," B'Elanna answered. "I saw him in the Mess Hall with Kellin a little while ago, and he seemed to be a pretty happy camper at the time."  
  
"Maybe they had an argument," Tom suggested.  
  
"I don't think so," B'Elanna countered. "Chakotay left just before I did, and he and Kellin were fine."  
  
"Well, something's bugging him," Tom declared, "and I'd like to find out what it is before he starts taking his frustration out on the rest of us."  
  
B'Elanna rolled her eyes. "I'm sure your compassion will be appreciated," she said sarcastically.  
  
Getting to her feet, B'Elanna casually strolled across the room to stand beside Chakotay's stool, and she flashed him a friendly smile. "Mind if I join you?"  
  
"Are you sure your boyfriend won't object?" Chakotay prompted.  
  
"As long as your girlfriend doesn't," B'Elanna returned.  
  
Chakotay smiled. "Then have a seat," he invited.  
  
B'Elanna settled herself on the stool next to him, then got directly to the point. "So do you want to tell me what's bothering you, or shall I guess?"  
  
"Have you decided to moonlight as ship's counselor?" Chakotay inquired lightly.  
  
"I just thought you might need a friend to talk to," B'Elanna returned. "Did you have a fight with Kellin?"  
  
"No, Kellin and I are very happy."  
  
"Then what has you looking like you've lost your best friend?" B'Elanna pressed.  
  
Chakotay sighed. "I think I may have managed to do just that."  
  
B'Elanna frowned. "I'm not following you."  
  
"Before I came down here, I stopped by the Ready Room to invite the Captain to join me for dinner, and she turned me down."  
  
"Surely you're not pouting because of that?" B'Elanna prompted.  
  
"Of course not," Chakotay stated. "But we also got into...I don't even know what we got into. She made a comment about my crew evaluation of Kellin, which I took the wrong way, and it almost started an argument between us. As it was, I could practically feel the room temperature drop about twenty degrees before I left."  
  
"No offense, Chakotay, but if I were the Captain I probably would have gotten miffed, too. You've been overly defensive of your relationship with Kellin from Day One, and it's getting a little old."  
  
"I wasn't aware I was that obvious," Chakotay replied.  
  
"You have no reason to feel defensive about Kellin, Chakotay. She's proven herself a more than capable officer, and everyone seems to like her."  
  
"I know that," Chakotay allowed.  
  
Sensing the unspoken "but" at the end of his sentence, B'Elanna said it for him. "But..."  
  
Chakotay released another sigh. "But I just get the feeling that there's something missing between us," he confessed. "I love Kellin, B'Elanna, and I know she loves me. Yet every time I'm with her, I feel guilty somehow."  
  
B'Elanna nodded. "That's understandable, I suppose. After all, you never did tell Janeway how you felt before becoming involved with Kellin."  
  
Chakotay shook his head. "I must be even more obvious than I thought," he mumbled.  
  
"Not really," B'Elanna countered. "I've just known you too long for you to be able to keep secrets from me. Chakotay, I've known how you felt about the Captain for a long time, even before you two were stranded on New Earth two years ago. I've just never understood why you didn't do anything about it."  
  
"In a word, protocol. Kathryn made it clear when we returned from New Earth that whatever personal feelings may have arisen from our temporary exile were secondary to the needs of the crew. Her first priority was-and is-to get Voyager and its crew safely back to the Alpha Quadrant."  
  
B'Elanna snorted. "Spoken like a true Starfleet Captain," she declared sarcastically. "Call me crazy, Chakotay, but last time I checked our emotions don't come with an on-and-off switch. Whatever she feels for you is still inside her, buried underneath that shell she calls `protocol,' and the same goes for you. I think you owe it to Kellin, Janeway and yourself to resolve those feelings once and for all."  
  
"What would you have me do, B'Elanna?" Chakotay snapped. "Go back up to the Ready Room, march inside and demand that Kathryn admit she has feelings for me? Aside from the ramifications to our working relationship, it could very well shred what remains of our personal relationship, not to mention what it would do to Kellin."  
  
"Kellin isn't as blind as you think, Chakotay," B'Elanna chided. "She approached me less than a week after you two met and asked me if you and Janeway were involved. At the time I denied it, but given the way things seem to be going, maybe there's more to it than even you and the Captain realize." On that note, B'Elanna slid off the stool and made her way back over to rejoin Paris, leaving Chakotay alone to think about what she had said.  
  
***************************************  
  
A week passed, and Chakotay's near-argument with Janeway, as well as his subsequent conversation with B'Elanna, were forgotten. Yet, early one morning, Kellin and Chakotay were finishing breakfast in her quarters when she broached the subject.  
  
"Is there something going on between you and Captain Janeway?" she asked.  
  
His mug halfway to his mouth, Chakotay froze at the question, then took a quick swallow of coffee before answering Kellin's question with one of his own. "What makes you think there's something going on between me and the Captain?"  
  
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that you've barely spoken ten words to each other during the past few days, or the fact that you've scheduled your duty shifts opposite of hers as often as possible. If I didn't know better I'd think you were trying to avoid her."  
  
Kellin isn't as blind as you think, Chakotay.  
  
B'Elanna's comment of a week ago flashed through Chakotay's mind, and he chided himself for not recognizing its implications. Forcing a smile, he glanced at Kellin. "I wasn't aware changing my duty shifts would be cause for concern," he said lightly. "I was merely trying to re-organize my schedule to arrange more time with you."  
  
"I'm flattered you find me worthy of the effort, Commander, but that doesn't completely answer my question."  
  
"There is nothing going on between me and the Captain," Chakotay said simply.  
  
He's lying, Kellin thought to herself. To Chakotay she said, "If you say so."  
  
"I say so."  
  
Knowing from past experience that pressing the issue would only result in an argument, Kellin reluctantly let the subject drop, but not before making a mental note to talk with B'Elanna at the earliest opportunity. You're hiding something, Chakotay, and if you won't tell me what it is hopefully B'Elanna can.  
  
***************************************  
  
Later that afternoon, Kellin got her chance when she crossed paths with B'Elanna in one of the corridors. "B'Elanna..."  
  
The half-Klingon turned expectantly at the sound of her name, and Kellin walked over to stand beside her.  
  
"Do you have a few minutes? I need to talk with you."  
  
"Sure," B'Elanna said. "I'm on my way to meet Harry and Seven for lunch. Why don't you join us, and we can talk on the way."  
  
Kellin sent her a faint smile of gratitude, and the women started down the corridor. Nodding a greeting to a passing crewman, B'Elanna addressed Kellin in a voice deliberately lowered to prevent being overheard. "Is it a safe assumption that our topic of discussion is Chakotay?" she prompted.  
  
"Actually, it's Chakotay and Captain Janeway," Kellin amended. "Did they have an argument about something?"  
  
"Not that I know of," B'Elanna evaded. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"Maybe I'm imagining things, but for the past week or so it seems to me that Chakotay has been doing as much as he can to avoid her," Kellin explained. "Their professional relationship aside, I know how much he values her friendship, and I'd hate to see him lose that."  
  
"Have you asked Chakotay about it?"  
  
"I tried, but you know him as well as I do. When he doesn't want to talk about something, he turns on the charm and changes the subject."  
  
"It must be part of the male psyche, because Tom is the same way," B'Elanna revealed. "A good thrashing in the holodeck usually changes his mind, though."  
  
Kellin chuckled. "Somehow I don't think that would work with Chakotay," she replied.  
  
"I suppose not," B'Elanna allowed. "Well, if you're feeling really daring, you could always go straight to the top, and talk to the Captain."  
  
Kellin frowned. "I don't know if that would be such a good idea," she demurred. "Chakotay might think I was checking up on him, and I don't know that Captain Janeway would appreciate me butting into her personal business, either."  
  
B'Elanna smiled. "I'll let you in on a little secret, Kellin. Captain Janeway may be a little stiff on the outside, but she's got a good heart, and she respects honesty. So unless you want to go a few rounds with Chakotay in one of my martial arts programs, I suggest you talk to her."  
  
"Do you really think I have something to talk to her about?" Kellin pressed.  
  
Weighing the consequences of her response, B'Elanna hesitated for a brief moment before answering with a simple, "Yes."  
  
************************************************  
  
Unaware of Kellin's search for answers, Chakotay was in his office, reading through various reports while trying not to dwell on their conversation from that morning. Yet the harder he tried to dismiss it, the more he realized that Kellin was right, and he now wondered what to do about it.  
  
I can't avoid Kathryn indefinitely, he mused silently. Sooner or later I'm going to have reconcile my feelings for her and move on in my relationship with Kellin.  
  
The door chime shattered Chakotay's train of thought, and at his invitation to enter, the doors opened to admit Janeway. "Captain..."  
  
"Hello, Chakotay," Janeway greeted. "Am I interrupting anything?"  
  
"Not at all," Chakotay assured her. "Would you like some coffee?"  
  
"No, thank you," Janeway declined, adding silently, I'm nervous enough as it is without adding caffeine to the mix.  
  
"To what do I owe the honor of your visit?" Chakotay asked lightly.  
  
"We need to talk," Janeway replied. "About us."  
  
Chakotay blinked in surprise. "Captain?"  
  
Janeway flashed him a faint smile. "Did you really think I hadn't noticed that you were avoiding me?" she asked rhetorically. "After four years you suddenly do everything in your power to avoid being on the Bridge at the same time I am, you barely say two words to me during staff briefings, and you conveniently avoid any off-duty contact with me. It doesn't take telepathic abilities to figure out that you're trying to avoid me. I'd like to know why."  
  
Chakotay sighed. "I apologize for my behavior, Captain," he said. "I just..." Chakotay stopped in mid-sentence, not quite sure how to explain his actions without offending her or revealing his feelings for her.  
  
"You just what, Chakotay?" Janeway pressed patiently.  
  
Chakotay shifted his gaze to meet hers, and seeing the mixture of concern, curiosity and anxiety etched in Janeway's refined features, suddenly decided he was done with playing by the rules: Starfleet's, hers, and his.  
  
"The hell with it," he muttered aloud.  
  
Without taking the time to think about the ramifications of his actions, Chakotay closed the distance between them and gently cupped her face in his hands before pulling her to him for a lengthy, soul-shattering kiss. A few moments later, his sanity returned and he reluctantly broke off the kiss. Struggling to get her emotions under control, Janeway merely stared at him in astonished silence, and Chakotay took advantage of her momentary discomfiture to at last answer her question.  
  
"I'm in love with you, Kathryn," he declared. "That's why I've been avoiding you."  
  
Without waiting for a response, Chakotay spun on his heel and swiftly exited his office.  
  
**************************************  
  
Some time later, Janeway had returned to the sanctuary of her Ready Room to try and decipher just exactly what had transpired between her and Chakotay. She had hoped her appearance at his office would give them a chance to privately discuss whatever was causing him to avoid her. But their kiss had left her with more questions than answers, as well as a whirlpool of emotions she wasn't quite sure how to deal with.  
  
It would seem still waters do run deep, because I had no idea Chakotay's feelings for me were so strong, she thought to herself. Now I have to figure just what it is I feel for him, and what I'm going to do about it.  
  
The door chime signaled the arrival of an unexpected visitor, and Janeway called out, "Come in," fervently hoping it wasn't Chakotay. To her relief, Tuvok strode into the room, and he handed her a data PADD. "Captain," he greeted formally. "These are the results of the most recent security drills. Both the ship and its crew appear to be in excellent working order."  
  
"Thank you, Commander," Janeway returned. "Just drop the PADD on my desk and I'll review it later."  
  
"Are you all right, Captain?" Tuvok inquired. "You seem...distracted."  
  
Janeway permitted herself a small chuckle. "Tuvok, that just may qualify as the understatement of the year," she said wryly.  
  
"Indeed," Tuvok responded. "Do you wish to talk about it?"  
  
The captain was saved from having to answer by another chime at the door, and stifling a frustrated sigh at the continuous unwanted guests, Janeway bid the new arrival entry. The doors parted to admit Kellin, and she flashed Janeway a nervous smile as she entered the room. "Captain," she greeted cautiously. "Am I intruding?"  
  
"Not at all, Kellin," Janeway assured her. "What can I do for you?"  
  
"If you have a few minutes, I'd like to talk to you," Kellin requested.  
  
"Of course."  
  
"If you will excuse me, I must return to the Bridge," Tuvok said, and made a somewhat discreet exit from the room. Once he was gone, Janeway returned her attention to Kellin. "What's on your mind, Kellin?"  
  
"If I'm overstepping my bounds then please tell me, but I was concerned about you and Chakotay," Kellin began. "I know the two of you are good friends, but over the past several days there seems to suddenly be a distance between you."  
  
Not as much distance as there used to be. The thought flashed through Janeway's mind unbidden, and she quickly dismissed it as she addressed Kellin. "Have you broached the subject with Chakotay?"  
  
"Yes, and he told me that there was no problem. He wasn't very convincing, though."  
  
I'm sure he wasn't. "I appreciate your concern, Kellin, but you really have nothing to worry about. Chakotay and I are fine. Yes, we may have been a little `distant' lately, but it comes with the territory when you're part of the command structure on a starship."  
  
She lies as badly as Chakotay does, Kellin observed silently. Obviously there is something going on that neither one of them is willing to acknowledge, even to themselves. "So the two of you aren't fighting?" she pressed.  
  
"No, we're not fighting," Janeway responded, adding silently, Not yet.  
  
"I'm glad to hear that," Kellin returned. "I know how important you are to Chakotay, and I'd hate to see anything happen to jeopardize that."  
  
Something in the phrasing of Kellin's remark struck Janeway as odd, but she let it pass and said instead, "Thank you."  
  
"Thank you for your time."  
  
Biding the captain farewell, Kellin left the room, and Janeway was about to return to her work when the import of Kellin's comment suddenly struck her.  
  
She said, "I know how important you are to Chakotay," the captain recalled. Kellin must know about his feelings for me.  
  
As soon as the thought entered her mind, Janeway just as quickly dismissed it, but an equally unnerving one quickly replaced it.  
  
"That's the reason why I've been so uncomfortable having her on Voyager," she realized aloud. "I see her as a threat to my own relationship with Chakotay. Good God...I'm in love with him."  
  
Having at last admitted the source of her distress, even if only to herself, Janeway felt a wave of relief wash over. Yet it was quickly replaced by a sense of dread as she pondered the implications of her newly- discovered feelings for Chakotay.  
  
Protocol notwithstanding, how can I watch him with Kellin every day without it eating me alive? And what am I going to do about our kiss?  
  
*******************************************  
  
Unaware he was the topic of discussion elsewhere on the ship, Chakotay had sequestered himself in his quarters following his encounter with Janeway. Although part of him was relieved to have at last admitted his feelings, he was also all too aware that she had yet to reciprocate.  
  
Nice move, Old Man, he chided himself. I finally find a woman who loves me and whom I can love in return, only to jeopardize that by revealing my feelings to Kathryn. What in the hell was I thinking?  
  
Chakotay's self-chastisement was interrupted by the swoosh of the opening doors, and he glanced over his shoulder to see Kellin enter. Flashing him a small smile, she walked over to sit beside him.  
  
"Fancy meeting you here," she teased.  
  
"How was your day?" Chakotay asked.  
  
"Very enlightening," Kellin responded.  
  
Chakotay smiled. "Care to elaborate?"  
  
"I had a brief chat with Captain Janeway a little while ago," Kellin told him. "It proved to be very informative."  
  
Chakotay stiffened beside her. "Informative in what way?" he questioned carefully.  
  
"Well, she's a lot like you," Kellin replied. "She tends to reveal more with what she doesn't say than with what she does. Amazing what you can learn simply by observing a person's body language."  
  
"Sounds fascinating," Chakotay mumbled.  
  
Kellin continued as if she hadn't heard him. "For example, when you're lying about something, a small facial muscle under your tattoo twitches, like it did this morning when you told me there was nothing wrong between you and the Captain. When Captain Janeway lies, she avoids making eye contact, like she did a little while ago when she told me there is no problem between the two of you."  
  
"Why did you go to her in the first place?" Chakotay asked.  
  
"I wouldn't have had to if you had been honest with me over breakfast," Kellin pointed out. "Chakotay, I've never been anything but honest with you, and I deserve the same courtesy in return. Talk to me, and tell me what's going on between you and Captain Janeway."  
  
"There's nothing to tell," Chakotay said.  
  
"Your tattoo is twitching," Kellin countered. "I can deal with the truth, Chakotay, whatever it is, but I need to hear it from you."  
  
Allowing himself a heavy sigh, Chakotay got to his feet, then turned to face her. "You asked me once what my feelings were for Kathryn," he reminded her. "I told you then that I trust and respect her more than anyone I've ever known, and I consider her my closest friend. What I neglected to tell you was that I'm also in love with her."  
  
To Chakotay's surprise, Kellin's face creased into a knowing smile. "Was that really so hard to admit?" she asked lightly, and got to her feet. "Chakotay, I've known from Day One how you feel about her. I see it in your eyes when you look at her; it's in your voice when you speak to or about her. Quite frankly, I don't understand why the Captain hasn't figured it out yet."  
  
"If you knew I loved her, why did you stay with me?" Chakotay asked. "It's hardly fair to you to give up your life for a man who harbors feelings for another woman."  
  
"In the beginning I thought I could love you enough to make you forget her," Kellin revealed, "or at least move past what you felt for her. But the more time I spent here, the more obvious it became that as much as you cared for me, there was a part of you I couldn't touch, because it belonged to her."  
  
"Kellin..."  
  
Kellin immediately waved her hand to silence him. "Don't bother denying it, Chakotay, and please don't apologize. I made my choice when I sought you out seven weeks ago, and I have no regrets."  
  
"I never meant for any of this to happen," Chakotay said. "I do love you, Kellin."  
  
"I know," Kellin allowed, "but you're in love with Captain Janeway."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"Hey, I said no apologies," Kellin scolded. "Just be happy, Chakotay. That's all I want for you."  
  
Leaning over to press a quick kiss on his lips, Kellin flashed him a final, sad smile before exiting his quarters.  
  
*************************************************  
  
Late that evening, a restless Janeway decided to take a stroll around the ship before calling it a night. As she passed by Sickbay, the doors opened and Kellin strode out, narrowly avoiding a collision with Janeway.  
  
"Oh, Captain, excuse me...I didn't see you."  
  
"No harm done," Janeway assured her. "Are you feeling all right?"  
  
"Fine," Kellin answered. "I just had to talk with the Doctor for a moment."  
  
Janeway nodded. "You're out and about rather late," she observed. "I wasn't aware you'd been scheduled for the night shift."  
  
"I'm not. I just had a personal errand to take care of, then I was going to see you."  
  
Janeway smiled. "Twice in one day," she said. "You must be a glutton for punishment."  
  
Kellin returned the smile, then grew serious. "I'm leaving, Captain. I'm taking my ship and returning to my people."  
  
Janeway's eyes widened in surprise. "This is rather sudden," she remarked. "I thought you were happy here."  
  
"I am," Kellin assured her. "You have been more than generous, granting me asylum and allowing me to integrate into your crew. The people on this ship are all truly exceptional, Captain. You should be very proud to be their leader."  
  
"Kellin, if your life here and the people surrounding you are so wonderful, why are you leaving?"  
  
Kellin's smile returned. "Captain, my sole reason for leaving my old life behind was to begin a new one on Voyager with Chakotay. But he and I have reached a crossroads, and it's time for us to go our separate ways."  
  
"Just like that?" Janeway prompted.  
  
"No. The signs have been there from the beginning; I just chose to ignore them."  
  
"Yet obviously you've now had a change of heart," Janeway surmised.  
  
Kellin's smile widened. "If you were in my position, Captain, would you sacrifice the rest of your life for a man who's in love with someone else?"  
  
The question was rhetorical, and Kellin neither expected nor received an answer. She and Janeway held one another's gaze in silence for a moment before the latter spoke.  
  
"If I were in your position, I don't know that I would have the strength- and courage-to let him go," she said quietly.  
  
"Then have the strength and courage to keep him," Kellin responded.  
  
"I will," Janeway promised. "Goodbye, Kellin, and good luck."  
  
"You too, Captain, and thank you again, for everything."  
  
The two women exchanged a hug, and then Kellin headed for the shuttlebay as Janeway returned to her quarters. Entering her cabin, she started for her bedroom when a flash of white on her coffee table caught her attention. Crossing the room, Janeway discovered a single, perfect white rose on the tabletop, with a small handwritten note underneath it. Picking up note and the rose, she inhaled the flower's fragrance as she scanned the message.  
  
Kathryn -  
  
It's not a white flag, but the sentiment is the same. Truce?  
  
Chakotay  
  
Smiling to herself, Janeway placed the note back on the table as she addressed the computer. "Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."  
  
"Commander Chakotay is on Holodeck One," the computer informed her.  
  
Replacing the rose on top of the note, Janeway walked into her bedroom, and quickly changed into civilian clothes. Casting a quick glance at herself in the mirror, Janeway reentered her living room and retrieved the rose before exiting her quarters.  
  
*********************************************  
  
Sequestered in his program of New Earth, Chakotay stood at the edge of a small lake, watching the water lap at the shore. After Kellin's goodbye, Chakotay had decided to resolve his issues with Janeway once and for all, yet had found her quarters empty when he arrived. Choosing to allow Janeway to determine how they would proceed, he had used his security override to enter her quarters, then replicated the rose and the note before beating a hasty retreat to take refuge in the holodeck.  
  
Quite a day I've had, he thought to himself. I managed to break the heart of one woman I love and most likely destroy my personal and professional relationships with the other. Maybe if I'm lucky Kathryn will toss me out an airlock and put me out of my misery.  
  
Lost in thought, Chakotay did not hear the doors open to admit Janeway, and she took advantage of his distraction to observe him in silence for a moment, then stole a quick glance at the program. It took a moment for its familiarity to register, and when it did, Janeway broke into a grin, recognizing New Earth. Concealing the rose behind her back, Janeway walked over to stand barely a foot behind Chakotay.  
  
"A little late for a swim in the lake, isn't it, Commander?"  
  
Chakotay started at the sound of her voice, then turned around to face her, holding her gaze for a moment before speaking. "Captain," he said simply. "I didn't hear you come in."  
  
"So it's `Captain' again, is it?" Janeway returned lightly. "Well, I'm glad to see you haven't completely forgotten about protocol."  
  
"There's that word again," Chakotay grumbled. "I wish I could banish it from your vocabulary."  
  
"Sometimes I do too," Janeway responded evenly. "Chakotay, I'll grant you that you and I haven't been communicating well lately, but you could have simply told me what was bothering you instead of kissing me. And it certainly doesn't warrant you hiding in the holodeck in the middle of the night."  
  
"I'm not hiding," Chakotay countered. "I'm...brooding, or pouting, as B'Elanna so eloquently puts it."  
  
"A rose by any other name," Janeway responded, and withdrew the rose she was holding from behind her back. "Speaking of which, thank you for this one. It's beautiful."  
  
Chakotay allowed himself a faint smile. "I thought it would have more aesthetic value than a white flag," he replied.  
  
"I ran into Kellin a short while ago," Janeway revealed. "She told me she's leaving Voyager and returning to her homeworld."  
  
"Did she tell you why?" Chakotay queried.  
  
"Yes."  
  
Chakotay nodded, and returned his attention to the lake. Forcing herself not to get frustrated at Chakotay's attempts to avoid the issue between them, Janeway walked around him to place herself in his line of vision. "Talk to me, Chakotay," she demanded. "Forget Kellin, and protocol, and all the other excuses you have for not addressing your feelings for me, and just talk to me."  
  
"What do you want me to say, Kathryn?" Chakotay asked evenly. "I've already told you that I love you. What else do you want to hear?"  
  
"For starters you can tell me why it took you so long to be honest with me," Janeway responded. "Keeping secrets isn't your style, Chakotay. Why didn't you come to me and tell me what you were feeling?"  
  
Chakotay snorted. "I hope that's a rhetorical question," he muttered.  
  
"Why should it be?" Janeway pressed.  
  
"You seem to be suffering from selective amnesia, Captain," Chakotay retorted, his return to her rank not lost on Janeway. "Two years ago when we were on New Earth, I created that Ancient Legend to tell you how I felt, but the minute we returned to the ship you tossed all of the ground we gained here out the window in the name of protocol."  
  
"It was a mutual decision, Chakotay," Janeway interjected. "We both agreed that our personal feelings would have to be subordinate to the needs of our crew."  
  
"Wrong," Chakotay snapped. "You decided that, not me. The minute you set foot back on Voyager, all those walls you had erected around yourself went right back into place, and I chose not to beat myself bloody trying to knock them down again."  
  
"You never said anything to me that would have indicated you weren't in agreement with me," Janeway shot back.  
  
"What could I have said? I couldn't force you to love me, Kathryn, and I wasn't willing to jeopardize our working relationship by forcing my feelings on you."  
  
"Then why tell me now?" Janeway asked. "If you were so concerned about revealing your feelings, then why did you kiss me this afternoon?"  
  
Chakotay sighed. "Because I'm tired, Kathryn. Tired of hiding behind my relationship with Kellin and allowing myself to drown in your precious Starfleet protocol. I love you, Kathryn. What you do with that information is entirely up to you, but I'm no longer going to deny what I feel."  
  
Janeway held his gaze for a long moment before responding. "I owe you an apology," she said. "For unilaterally deciding to ignore what we began on New Earth, and for allowing you to believe that Starfleet protocol is more important to me than you are."  
  
"I don't want an apology, Kathryn. I just want to know where we stand, once and for all."  
  
"There's no easy answer to that, Chakotay, but in light of today's events I think it's time I stopped hiding from the truth."  
  
"And what truth is that?" Chakotay prompted.  
  
Janeway took a step closer to him as she flashed him a tender smile. "I love you."  
  
Surprise mixed with relief flashed across Chakotay's handsome face, and he simply stared at Janeway in silence for several minutes before finding his voice. "I was certain I would never hear you say those words to me," he said softly. "Dare I ask what prompted this revelation?"  
  
Janeway shrugged. "A combination of things," she answered. "Kellin, mostly. From the moment she resurfaced seven weeks ago and convinced us of her previous tenure on Voyager, there was something about her that bothered me. At first I thought it was just residual anxiety over integrating a stranger into our crew..."  
  
"At least she wasn't a Borg," Chakotay interjected dryly, earning him an admonishing glance from Janeway before she continued.  
  
"But once the crew took to her so quickly, I realized it had to be something else. I don't know that I would have ever figured it out if she hadn't come to see me this afternoon. As I listened to her attempt to make peace between us, it suddenly occurred to me that her relationship with you was what was bothering me. I finally admitted to myself that I was jealous, and that I saw her as threat. Of course, my grand revelation was also partially due to the kiss you gave me in your office. That was a hell of a kiss, Commander."  
  
Chakotay smiled. "I'd been wanting to do that for a long time," he confessed. "Had I been thinking rationally at the time, however, I might have exercised more restraint."  
  
Janeway returned his smile. "Had I been able to think rationally at the time, I may very well have thrown you into the brig," she teased. "As it stands, though, that kiss turned out to be a much-needed wake up call."  
  
"Glad to be of service," Chakotay quipped. "So where do we go from here?"  
  
"We go forward," Janeway responded, "slowly but surely. I can't completely dismiss protocol, Chakotay, but I also refuse to let it come between us again. We can make this work; it's just going to take a little time and a lot of effort."  
  
"I have no problem with that."  
  
Just then, Tuvok's voice came over the ship's speaker and interrupted the duo's conversation. "Tuvok to Captain Janeway."  
  
"Yes, Commander?"  
  
"Captain, we just had an unauthorized launch from the shuttlebay," Tuvok informed her. "It is Kellin's vessel."  
  
"It's all right, Tuvok," Janeway responded. "Kellin's going home."  
  
"Captain?" Tuvok prompted questioningly.  
  
"I'll explain in the morning, Commander. Janeway out."  
  
Severing the transmission, Janeway glanced at Chakotay, and placed a hand on his arm. "Are you okay?" she asked gently.  
  
"I will be," Chakotay answered. "I wish we could have found a way to resolve this without hurting Kellin."  
  
Janeway gave his arm a reassuring squeeze. "Kellin is an exceptional woman."  
  
"Yes, she is," Chakotay allowed, "but she's not you."  
  
Janeway flashed him an adoring smile. "I love you," she declared.  
  
"I love you."  
  
Pulling her into his arms, Chakotay lowered his head to give Janeway a kiss reminiscent of their kiss of that afternoon. With the element of surprise gone, Janeway allowed herself to respond fully, and pressed her body closer to Chakotay's as he deepened the kiss. Their embrace was interrupted a moment later by the beep of Chakotay's combadge, and the Doctor's voice filtered out.  
  
"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."  
  
Lost in his kiss with Janeway, Chakotay failed to hear the page, and the Doctor's voice sounded again. "Sickbay to Commander Chakotay. Please respond."  
  
The second request managed to penetrate Chakotay's passion-fogged brain, and with a growl of frustration he broke off the kiss. "Remind me to deactivate his program," he grumbled, then tapped his combadge. "Chakotay here, Doctor. What is it?"  
  
"Commander, would you please come to Sickbay? I have something here for you."  
  
"Can it wait until morning?" Chakotay asked.  
  
"It's not from me, Commander. It's from Kellin."  
  
Chakotay exchanged a surprised glance with Janeway as he answered, "I'm on my way."  
  
"You might want to bring Captain Janeway with you," the Doctor suggested. "Kellin left something for her as well."  
  
"I'll let her know, Doc. Chakotay out."  
  
********************************************  
  
A few minutes later, Janeway and Chakotay entered Sickbay and approached the Doctor.  
  
"What do you have for us, Doctor?' Janeway inquired.  
  
The Doctor handed her a small bottle of blue liquid. "Kellin left this with me just before she departed the ship," he said. "I ran a standard diagnostic, and as far as I can tell it's some type of fructose beverage."  
  
"Fruit juice?" Chakotay translated dryly.  
  
"Precisely," the Doctor confirmed. "According to what Kellin told me, it acts as a counteragent to the pheromone which causes other species to forget her."  
  
Janeway and Chakotay exchanged a look. "It never occurred to me that after she spent so much time with us, we would still forget her," the latter remarked.  
  
"The computer has identified the ingredients in the juice, Captain, and with your permission I can replicate enough for the whole crew," the Doctor told her.  
  
"Are you certain it's non-toxic for all of the species on board?" Janeway pressed.  
  
"Positive."  
  
"Fine. Program it into the replicator, then contact me when you've finished and I'll inform the crew that they need to obtain their individual doses from the computer."  
  
"Aye, Captain."  
  
Bidding Janeway and Chakotay farewell, the Doctor retreated into his office, and the senior officers headed out of Sickbay.  
  
"Even without the juice, the ship's records would still have contained evidence of Kellin's stay with us," Chakotay said. "Why did she feel it necessary to leave the juice as well?"  
  
"Maybe it was her way of assuring us that she had no regrets about what she did for us," Janeway suggested.  
  
"Maybe," Chakotay allowed. "In the end I suppose it doesn't really matter. If it weren't for Kellin's change of heart, you and I would still be smothering ourselves in Starfleet protocol. I wish there were a way to thank her."  
  
"I'm sure our happiness is thanks enough," Janeway responded.  
  
Chakotay flashed her a warm smile. "Have I mentioned that I love you?"  
  
"Not in the past ten minutes," Janeway answered. "However, I am a firm believer that actions speak louder than words."  
  
"Is that an invitation, Captain?"  
  
"Absolutely, Commander."  
  
Chakotay's smile widened as he lowered his head to kiss her.  
  
  
  
The End 


End file.
